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Gary
Beck
PLAYTIME
a one-act play
SCENE 1
(A room in the apartment of Arthur and Mona Thompson. Lights come up on
Arthur, who is wearing a deerskin with head and antlers, so only his
head is lit. He is holding a shield. Underneath deerskin, Arthur is
wearing chinos, moccasins, La Coste shirt.)
Arthur
Clouds of distant dust warn me that enemies are approaching who will
soon enslave my land. They are still too far away to frighten my
people, and only I see them shining with purpose; The officers hurrying
the column; I'm afraid. Not for myself, for too often have I seen what
men do to each other for gain, but I fear for the safety of my loved
ones.
(enter Mona)
Mona
Arthur. Arthur. Are you in there?
(Mona turns on the light and sees Arthur)
Didn't you hear me call you?
Arthur
You're not properly dressed, so I couldn't respond.
Mona
(goes to mirror.)
What's wrong with my dress?
Arthur
That's not what I'meant. Put on something more suitable if you want to
talk to me.
Mona
I'don't have time to change now, dear. Mr. & Mrs. Rinkel will be
here soon and I have to finish dinner.
Arthur
Put on your robe!
Mona
(takes robe from closet and puts it on.)
There really isn't time now. Can't we play later? After they're
gone? I'll do something real nice to you then. We can look at sexy
pictures and I'll talk dirty to you.
Arthur
No!... Do you see them?
Mona
Who?
Arthur
Put the light out. Do you see them now?
Mona
No.
Arthur
Well they're coming closer!
Mona
You don't have to yell.
Arthur
You don't have warrior's eyes so you can't see them, but they'll be
here soon.
Mona
So will your boss and his wife.
Arthur
Forget them! There's not much time left, but before I go into battle I
want to feel your body against me once more, perhaps for the last time.
(Mona giggles.)
Will you stop laughing!
Mona
Your shield is tickling me.
Arthur
Godamn it!
(throws the shield down.)
Put the light on.
Mona
Put your robe on. Put the light off. Put the light on. Put, put, put.
(Mona turns on light.)
Arthur
Don't you know what you're supposed to do?
Mona
I'm sorry, Arthur, but I'm in the middle of making dinner.
Arthur
Screw dinner. I asked you a question.
Mona
Your boss and his wife are coming tonight.
Arthur
Screw them! Answer me.
Mona
We'll talk about it later.
Arthur
Not later. Now!
Mona
I still have so much to do.
Arthur
Now!
Mona
Alright. I know what i'm supposed to do. Satisfied?
Arthur
Why didn't you'do it?
Mona
I'didn't have the time.
Arthur
Do you'remember why we started role playing?
Mona
Yes, but.
Arthur
You haven't done too well.
Mona
I'm sorry.
Arthur
In fact you've been rotten.
Mona
I said I was sorry.
Arthur
You've been a limited and unimaginative clod.
Mona
I'm a wife, not an actress.
Arthur
Do you have anything to say before I pass judgment on you?
Mona
Now honey, I know you like romantic games, but I've got to finish
preparing dinner for your boss and his wife.
Arthur
I'don't like games. I have to escape the fiendish dullness and
incomparable boredom that has become you.
Mona
Are you starting that again? Your boss is coming tonight because he's
worried about the drop in your sales. He doesn't have to come here.
He's trying to help you. Now let me finish and we'll have a nice
dinner, settle some business and we can deal with our personal problems
later.
Arthur
Shit!
Mona
Don't start.
Arthur
You are not only superlatively stupid, but you're also immeasurably
vapid.
Mona
Don't start now. I'm warning you.
Arthur
You're a bad lay.
Mona
Then don't sleep with me.
Arthur
You're a very cadaver of a lay.
Mona
That doesn't stop you from trying to creep into me whenever you can.
Arthur
I'm studying the sex life of the female zombie.
Mona
Please. Let's fight later.
Arthur
Fight? Who can fight a vacuum? Mona, you are a vegetable. A slightly
animatedcarrot. Crisp, fresh, healthy, but a carrot.
Mona
That's enough. Put your costume away, then go change. Wear a dark blue
suit, then mix the cocktails and get ready to be the cleverest
broker I know.
Arthur
I'm not through yet.
Mona
Later, and take off the rug. Santa isn't hiring yet.
(Exit Mona.)
Arthur
I think I'll find a sharp vegetable knife.
(Puts away robe and shield.)
Cocktails for the Rinkels. How many wrinkles would the cocktails have
if cocktails could have wrinkles. What was grandfather's recipe for
unwanted guests? One part prussic acid, two parts warty toad juice, a
sprig of wolfbane and a good kick in the ass out the door. O grandsire,
let your spirit descend on your feeble heir. Send me a vision.
(Enter Mona.)
Mona
Haven't you started yet?
Arthur
Try harder next time, grandsire.
Mona
What are you mumbling about?
Arthur
I'don't mumble.
Mona
They'll be here any moment. You have to hurry. And you'll behave
yourself; No smart- ass remarks? It's very important that you'reassure
him, or you could lose your job.
Arthur
I was meant to carry the torch of truth.
Mona
You'd burn your hands. Promise to be a good boy and Mommy will be very
nice to you later.
Arthur
You're revolting.
Mona
Stop carrying on like a baby. This is serious. We've done very well at
the
brokerage house and.
Arthur
We? We?
Mona
You know what I'mean.
Arthur
You better tell me what you mean. We don't go to that deception factory
every day. I'do. If you had to go through the bullshit and
hysteria that goes on there all the time, you'd understand. On second
thought, maybe
you wouldn't.
Mona
You've done real well there for two years and we've built a nice,
comfortable way of life. In another few years we could have real
security.
Arthur
That's what's bothering me. I want more than a nice comfortable life,
or security. I want some excitement, action, before it's too late and
I'm just another old fart, whose biggest thrill is dribbling in his
cocoa.
Mona
Lots of bright, sensitive men feel like that sometimes, especially when
they work at high pressure jobs like yours. It just takes time to
adjust to all those demands.
Arthur
You are an emissary from an alien world and you forgot your translation
machine.
Mona
I know you think I'don't understand you, but you know how much I
admire you and respect your abilities. You're such a talented man that
you get frustrated sometimes by day to day routine. (Mona moves closer
to Arthur and starts stroking him.)You're an exciting man and after the
Rinkels leave I'm going to put on
my cowgirl outfit, tie you to a chair and do wild things to you with my
lasso. But now help me finish getting ready for dinner. Go get
dressed.
(exit Arthur)
Someday I'd like to write a book about the female manager and how she
makes everything run smoothly. If I'didn't organize things, Arthur
would have us out on the street in no time. Dreaming of adventure! Huh!
Did you ever hear anything so infantile? He should be preparing to take
his place as a respected businessman with a future. Instead, he's
risking everything we've built because of these silly fantasies. It's
one thing to play sex games, but playtime's over when security is
threatened. I'll shape him up, and one way or the other make his boss
love him again. Maybe we'll play a little later, if I feel like it. But
first I'll make sure that he behaves properly and doesn't jeopardize
everything on a sill whim. I better finish doing my hair.
(exit Mona.)
SCENE 2
(Same setting – lights come up on Arthur who has not changed his
clothing, and is practicing martial arts and swordplay. Enter Mona.)
Mona
You're not dressed yet, Arthur. What time is it?
Arthur
8:30.
Mona
The Rinkels said they'd be here at eight. I hope nothing's happened to
them.
Arthur
Maybe they got stuck in traffic. Stop worrying so much. If you could
just deal with situations calmly your life would be a lot easier.
Mona
Don't be so smug. It's infuriating. Besides, I remember you always
telling me that Bill despises lateness.
Arthur
Maybe he just meant at work. Anything might have delayed them. You know
what it's like trying to find parking space around here on a Friday
night. They're probably circling the block right now.
Mona
I hope you're right. Now let's take a few moments and discuss how to
handle Bill
tonight. When they ring the bell I'll get the door and you go
change.
Arthur
What do you mean, handle Bill?
Mona
Just what I said. You know why he's coming tonight.
Arthur
Sure. Because he's my friend and he's concerned with my work.
Mona
Don't be a simpleton. He's trying to decide if you fit into his future
plans. He's an
ambitious man and he wants the people who work for him to be
solid and reliable.
Arthur
How do you know so much about Bill?
Mona
Honey, I'listen carefully to everything you say about your work,
because I know it's important to you. You're involved in so many big
deals that you'don't always pay attention'to every little thing going
on around you. You're just not very political.
Arthur
I get by. What am I supposed to do, scheme and plot all the time?
Mona
No, silly. But with your talent you should be shooting for the top.
Instead, you'do
everything they ask and more, and someone else gets the credit,
generally Bill.
Arthur
He's my boss. What's wrong with his getting the credit? He knows how
valuable I am, and he's always quick to let me know I'm appreciated.
Mona
He may know, but who else does? What if he decides you'don't fit into
his future plans anymore and gets rid of you? No one else there knows
how much you've done for them. Who would stand up for you?
Arthur
That's ridiculous.
Mona
Is it?
Arthur
Sure. I produce. I get more new accounts than anybody else there. Why
should he want to get rid of me?
Mona
Your company is very conservative and you've always been an
individualist. Bill wants to be a senior vice president. You told me
that.
Arthur
Sure I'did. So what?
Mona
Don't you see? If you'don't fit into their mold he'll have to get rid
of you. Bill
wouldn't let someone under him hold him back.
Arthur
You're off your gourd. Where do you get these crazy ideas? You make him
sound like Nero climbing over broken bodies to become emperor. He only
wants to be a vice president in a brokerage house, not the emperor of
Rome.
Mona
What's the difference? If he was in Rome, that's what he'd do there. He
may not kill you to get what he wants, but he'd use you and then
discard you.
Arthur
You think everyone's as manipulative as you are?
Mona
I'm just being realistic.
Arthur
So was Machiavelli. Next you'll have me sharpening my dagger and
planning to assassinate Bill one morning on his way to the coffee
machine.
Mona
You can make fun of me if you like, but if you thought more about
our future I wouldn't have to.
Arthur
Why don't you let me worry about the future and you take care of
dinner.
Mona
It's my future too. I just want to help you keep our situation under
control.
Arthur
I've got everything under control. All systems are go. Alright? Now you
call their
house and find out when they left and I'll walk around the block
and see if they're out there somewhere.
(exit Arthur.)
Mona
(going to phone.)
That man can be such an insufferable male chauvinist pig. Everything's
under control – until there's a problem. Then watch him come running to
Mama. It's incredible how these little boys try to act like men and
demand that women support their image, yet they still expect us to
respect them when they behave like immature brats.
(dials phone.)
Hello, Ellen? Is everything all right?... You were supposed to be
here at eight; Tomorrow night?... I couldn't have; You're going to a
party.... And I prepared such a beautiful dinner; But, but; Goodnight;
(Mona hangs up phone.)
The rude bitch. She never misses a chance to let me know who's more
important. She couldn't care less about all that wasted food and
effort. Oh, what'll I'do when Arthur finds out? He'll gloat that it was
my mistake and lecture me about the importance of being organized. He's
so aggravating.Always going on about being cool under fire. I can't
take that tonight, I can't! I should test his cool. I wonder how long
he'd stay calm if I'let him think his boss was missing. No, I couldn't
do that to him. He'd be furious. Besides, it's not right to trifle with
other people's lives like that.
(enter Arthur.)
Arthur
I couldn't find them. Are you sure they're supposed to come tonight? It
would be typical of you to mix up the nights that they're supposed to
be here and while we're worrying about them, they're out having a good
time somewhere.
Mona
Arthur, there's something I have to tell you.
Arthur
Let me guess. You screwed up again?
Mona
You're always so quick to be nasty. If you only had a little tolerance
we'd be able to reach out to each other when there was a problem.
Arthur
What did you'do this time?
Mona
What makes you think I'did anything?
Arthur
I know you. I can'tell when you'did something.
Mona
I wasn't going to tell you this.
Arthur
Why not?
Mona
Because I'didn't want to alarm you until I was sure, but your boss and
his wife may be missing. I called them and spoke to their maid. She
said they left a bit early to have cocktails with us before dinner and
they should have been here long ago. The maid said she was leaving as
soon as we hung up the phone, but she hoped everything turned out
alright.
Arthur
What are you talking about?
Mona
I'm trying to make you understand that the Rinkels may have been in an
accident or something and you might want to find out what happened to
them.
Arthur
What makes you think they were in an accident?
Mona
Well, they're not here and they're almost an hour late. You told me
yourself how fanatic Bill is about promptness. Something must be wrong.
What do you think could have happened?
Arthur
Beats me. But it's easy enough to find out if they were in an accident.
(goes to phone and dials operator. Phone rings for a long
time.)
The phone company'd be a great help if someone was coming for you with
a knife. At last. Operator, get me the police department, please. No.
It isn't an emergency.
(Arthur listens, hangs up, dials again.)
She said should ask information for the number of the nearest
police station. Operator, give me the number of the local police
station. No. I'don't have the address. What do you mean you
can't help me? What if this was an emergency?.... Cow!
(hangs up the phone.)
She told me to call 911 if it's an emergency. I'll get the number from
the phone book. Where the hell's the phone book?
(Mona gets the phone book.)
Let's see. Police, Police Athletic League. Here it is, Police
Department. And here's an information number.
(dials, closes book, and lets it ring at length.)
I guess they took the night off.
(hangs up phone, looks in book.)
Maybe there's a listing for the local station. Pneumatic, Pocano,
Poetry Club, Point Blank Body Armor, Polecat, Police. See New York City
Police Department.
(Looks again.)
Moracco, Mung, Narcissus, Nefertiti Do you believe some of
these names? New York Chinese Laundry Social and Athletic Club. So
that's where my shirts fool around and come home dirty. New York City
Marathon. Shit,that's what this search has become. New York City
Police Foundation. There's no Police Department. Don't tell me
they're missing too. Wait. See Blue pages for New York City
(Looks through book.)
U.S.Government, New York State Government, New York City
government, Police Department. There it is. We found them.
(dials. Rings a long time.)
At last. Hello Sergeant. I'm trying to find out if some
friends of mine were in an accident. Their name is Rinkel;
R.I.N.K.E.L. R.I.N.K.E.L. You don't have anything listed there;? Is
there someone else at the station I could check with? These
people are an hour late for an appointment and they're never late for
anything. Missing persons? Wait a minute!... I'don't know if that's
really necessary. He's transferring my call. Hello, Detective
Crater. I'm just trying find out if something happened to some friends
of mine. Well they were supposed to be at my house an hour
ago. No. No, I'don't have a reason'to suspect they were victims
of foul play. Yes. Yes. Thanks a lot, Sherlock Holmes.
(hangs up phone.)
You should only call missing persons after 24 hours, unless
there's evidence of foul play.
Mona
Maybe you're making a fuss about nothing.
Arthur
Nothing! You call Bill and Ellen nothing?
Mona
I'didn't mean that.
Arthur
I'll bet you'didn't. You've always resented Ellen and you've never
really liked Bill. You'd probably get your rocks off if something
happened to them.
Mona
That's not true. And women don't get their rocks off.
Arthur
I'don't have time to debate your peculiarities now. Maybe they're in
the
emergency ward of the hospital. I better call there.
(Looks through phone book. Dials.)
Hello. Do you have anyone brought in recently named Rinkel?... Rinkel.
Rinkel. R as in robot, I.N.K.E.L. Thank you; No one. What about the
emergency room? Thanks. I'll hold on for another android. Hello. Do
you have someone there named Rinkel?...I. want. to. know. if.
there's. a patient. named. Rinkel? Is someone there who'speaks
English? Habla Ingles?... I'll try later. Where else could I try?
(puts down phone)
I'm going to run down'to the gas station on the corner.
Mona
What for?
Arthur
Maybe they had a breakdown or a flat. You never know. I'll be right
back.
(exit Arthur.)
Mona
He's handling everything pretty well so far, considering his temper.
That was really clever thinking of the gas station. I'd probably call
the nearest boutique. I better tell him this was a trick when he gets
back, before it goes any further. But I'did want to see him out of
control for a while, just to teach him a little lesson. He's always so
quick to call people names and be abusive. And let me dare make a
teensy-weensy little mistake, or forget something, and he'll put on his
war crimes face and bring me before the high tribunal faster than I can
say judgment at Nuremburg. “This criminal stands accused of atrocities.
She forgot her guests weren't coming to dinner tonight. How do you
plead?... Innocent? We find you guilty as charged and sentence you.”
Well maybe he's not that bad, but it feels that way sometimes. If only
there was some way to make him realize how important it is to be
tolerant, especially of me. He just won't accept imperfections in
anyone but himself.
(enter Arthur.)
Arthur
There was a big accident nearby and a big blue car was involved. There
were ambulances. It was their car. I know it. I've got to call the
police station again.
(Dials.)
Mona
Arthur, I've got to tell you something.
Arthur
Not now!
Mona
It can't wait.
Arthur
Shut your hole!
Mona
Don't talk to me that way!
Arthur
Then shut up while I. Hello, Sergeant Paletta. I called you earlier
about my friends, the Rinkels. With an R. R.I.N.K.E.L. There was a
big accident with ambulances and I'm afraid they were in it. No.
I'don't know where it was. This guy at the gas station'told me. No. He
didn't see it. Somebody told him about it, but it sounds like their car
and they're never late for anything. Thanks. He's checking the
accident sheet.
Mona
You've got to know.
Arthur
Hold it!... Nothing reported? What are you guys doing, taking a
siesta? There was tremendous accident and you'don't know anything about
it?... What do you mean, no accident? If you lazy cops got off your ass
and took a look outside once in a while, you wouldn't all have pot
bellies.
(slams phone down.)
Did you hear that slob?
Mona
Arthur, the Rinkels are alright. There was no accident. I just said
that to cover up a mistake. There was a misunderstanding about which
night they were coming here. They're going to a cocktail party tonight
and having dinner with us tomorrow night.
Arthur
But you said.
Mona
I know what I said. I'did something very stupid and I apologize.
Arthur
Apologize? You mean you made up a story about an accident because you
forgot they weren't coming?
Mona
Yes. But I realize now that I was wrong.
Arthur
Wrong! Are you out of your mind! You let me make a fool of myself,
calling the police and hospital like an idiot and all the time they're
swilling martinis somewhere? What the hell's the matter with you?
Mona
I was angry and I wanted to see you get hysterical, just the way you
claim I'do.
Arthur
You've got a sick sense of humor. Well, I guess you got your jollies.
Mona
I'don't feel good about it.
Arthur
You shouldn't. Making me look ridiculous, running around like a nut,
trying to find out if my friends were hurt.
Mona
I said I'm sorry and I'mean it.
Arthur
We'll have to have a little talk about this and some other things. We
were supposed to find new ways to reach each other, instead you pull
this vicious, sneak attack. I'll never trust you again.
Mona
Don't blow it out of proportion. It's not the end of the universe.
Arthur
You better shut your face.
Mona
That's exactly why I'did it. Because of the way you talk to me, or
should I say at me. This wouldn't have happened if you'didn't push me
around all the time. You're always bullying me and I'didn't want to
take your guff tonight.
Arthur
So now it's my fault?
(the phone rings. Mona answers.)
Mona
Hello.... Hello, Ellen; You're what?... They're coming tonight. Yes,
dear. That's very thoughtful of you. See you in a few minutes. Bye.
They didn't want all that food going to waste and they were just around
the corner. We better get ready fast and no arguing. Agreed?
Arthur
Do you have the feeling of déjà vu, as if the same exact
thing happened to us last night?
Mona
It just seems that way. Let's be good hosts and we'll talk things out
after they've gone, allright?
Arthur
Sure, you'dirty little blackmailer, but this case isn't closed by a
longshot.
Mona
I'didn't think it would be, your honor.
(Blackout.)
SCENE 3
(Same setting, after dinner. The Rinkels have left.)
Arthur
What an evening. I smiled so hard that I've got lockjaw.
Mona
I'm so proud of you. Despite everything that happened tonight you
behaved like a saint. You just dazzled them with your wit and
personality. I think Bill's really beginning to understand just how
special you are.
Arthur
I'm glad you're pleased. If my face ever relaxes and I'don't have to
get an antitetanus shot, perhaps we can discuss your little episode
earlier this evening.
Mona
Darling, I'm so turned on by you that I feel passionate and sexy. I'd
rather go to bed and play snuggle-pokum and talk tomorrow.
Arthur
Listen, Ms. Hot-to-trot, I know I'm the most exciting man'to come along
tonight, and you're just creaming in your little pink panties for me,
but I've got a few things to say.
Mona
Can't it wait till morning, Popsey?
(Mona begins to caress and arouse Arthur.)
I'm feeling very playful; Wild; I'll do anything you like tonight; I
could be your Jungle Queen; And wear my long claws. You could be the
lost explorer and I'd make you my slave. First I'd greet you with the
traditional bath and oil rub. Then I'd dance for you and scratch you
gently with my claws.
Arthur
Will you stop babbling like a slut for a moment and be serious.
Mona
See how you talk to me. I was trying to please you and you insult me
and put me down. I try so hard to do things that please you and when I
try to do those filthy things that you like so much – that you taught
me – you call me names. That's just like a husband to teach his wife
all those perversions, then blame her when she does them. Arthur
Thompson, you're an insensitive beast. A two face hypocrite; I'don't
want to talk to you anymore tonight.
(starts to leave.)
Arthur
(stops her.)
Wait a minute. I want to talk to you about something important.
Mona
After the way you talked to me? Forget it!
Arthur
What do you mean forget it? We've got to discuss some serious problems.
Mona
If you think for one moment that I'm discussing anything with you after
the way you treated me.
Arthur
Cut the shit, Mona Your skin is normally as thick as the armor plates
on the Battleship New Jersey.
Mona
You're a cruel man. You keep abusing me and hurting me.
(cries.)
Arthur
Don't snivel about it. I'didn't say anything that was so terrible.
Mona
(cries harder.)
A lot you know; I tried so hard. All I was thinking about was your
happiness. And you behave like a callous brute.
Arthur
If I said anything out of line I'm sorry.
Mona
You can't even apologize like a man. It's always if or maybe. Can't you
ever come right out and say it?
Arthur
That's not true! I apologize. I'm sorry. I humbly beg your pardon.
Forgive me. I throw myself at your feet. I grovel beneath your toes.
Look down on me. Kick me. Walk on me. Trample me into the dust.
Humiliate me.
Mona
I bet you'd like that if I was wearing high heels.
Arthur
I'd never do anything as treacherous as enjoy myself while atoning for
my sins.
Mona
I'm sure you wouldn't, you greedy, lecherous wretch. Nothing would turn
you on more than sinning, repenting and being punished at the same
time.
Arthur
Now who's calling who names?
Mona
Honey, those are endearments. Besides, it's an accurate character
evaluation.
Arthur
What else do you think, Frau Doktor?
Mona
I think the crisis is over. I prescribe a quick trip to bed as the
best medicine in the world to cure my illness.
Arthur
You're a cunning devil. You could wear out the patience of a saint.
Mona
I'd rather have a man. And you're my number one customer.
Arthur
I'll pay for it, too, won't I?
Mona
Somebody's got to and your credit's still good here. Why don't you join
me for a tête-à-tête right now? You can charge it on
your American Express card.
Arthur
Get the bed ready. I'll put the lights out and be right there.
(Exit Mona. Arthur begins an imaginary battle, as the lights fade to
black.)
THE END.
Gary
Beck says: "I am a theater director of the classics, and new
plays. My translations of Molière, Aristophanes and Sophocles,
as well as my own plays, have been extensively produced off-Broadway. A
number of my one-act plays have recently been published in Elimae,
Istanbul Literature Review, Gold Dust Magazine, Clever Magazine and the
2nd Hand. My poetry has appeared in dozens of literary magazines.
Recent fiction publications include 3AM Magazine, EWG Presents, Nuvein
Magazine, The Vincent Brothers Review, L'Intrigue Magazine, Dogwood
Journal, Bibliophilos and many other magazines."
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