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shopping I hold my belly (because something not small, something not flat, something not smooth, something so not is a belly) jangles like keys like a distraction held up for children I am not beautiful barrier it hurts a little to know you're out there smiling at everyone innocent it hurts a little like a scar like that little scar between my thumb and index finger nearly lopped it off breaking that flower pot against the window to get back in it's only a little thing but tough raised I can feel it like a barrier keeping my hands from being beautiful I press on it when I'm nervous remember how cold that dirt was how I sat for thirty minutes before I stopped bleeding and you never came over I knead it and it won't go smooth just keeps living in me like a smile I can't forget It's not that I want you again It's not that I hate you I just wish I could open the paper, find out you died and finally be happy. these buckets of fat these buckets of fat I fill like water from a well leave drops of remembrance on my skin the shape I once held in my hands the starvation I relished the stares I needed the smiles I craved these buckets of fat will drown me some day bloat and pucker 'til it all falls away and I can finally be the skeleton I always wanted Kate LaDew is a graduate from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro with a BA in Studio Art. She resides in Graham, NC with her cat, Charlie Chaplin. Kate is currently working on her first novel.
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